Move Over Santa: A Hilarious (But Deadly Serious) Argument for Upgrading Mother’s Day to a Month-Long Festival
Now, I realize I may be biased—I am a mom—but hear me out. I’ve done my research (i.e., lived through decades of subpar gifts), and I’ve reached one clear conclusion: Mother’s Day deserves an upgrade—to at least a weekend… maybe a week… honestly? A month seems fair.
Why? Because of moments like this…
The Caveman Strikes Again
One year, my husband – affectionately known as The Caveman – gave me a hand-held electroshock device for Mother’s Day. That was it. One single gift. I wish I were kidding.
It was one of those things you see in an in-flight magazine and think, “Who buys this?” Turns out, he does. It’s meant to “relax” your muscles. Or rewire your nervous system. Or short-circuit your house – I don’t really know. All I know is, it came in a plastic bag (not even wrapped) and looked like something TSA would confiscate.
And here’s the kicker: He’s the reason I need stress relief. So naturally, I smiled and said, “Wow! Just what I need. Should we plug it in together and see if it voids the warranty on our marriage?”
"No Mom, No You" - The Bumper Sticker We Deserve
We’ve all seen the “No Farmers, No Food” bumper sticker. True and to the point. Well, I propose a new one: “No Mom, No You.”
It’s obvious. It’s brilliant. It should be on every bumper, mug, and billboard. Because let’s face it – without moms, literally nothing happens. And yet… we have to remind people to celebrate us?
Mother's Day vs. Christmas (Yes, I'm Going There)
Hallmark: Patron Saint of Moms
People love to grumble, “Mother’s Day is just a Hallmark holiday.” And I say: Bless Hallmark. Saint Hallmark, really. Because at least someone remembered us!
(Also: Hallmark may have invented this holiday, but at least they remembered it. Unlike my kids, who seem shocked every May like it’s a surprise drop from U2.)
Taking Mother's Day to Eleven (A Section for Husbands and Sons)
In the movie Spinal Tap, the guitarist famously says his amp goes “up to eleven.” That’s what we’re doing with Mother’s Day: cranking it up.
Let me break this down for the menfolk:
A quick reservation the night before? Not enough.
“Breakfast in bed” that’s actually burnt toast and lukewarm coffee? Also not enough.
One year, I asked for a cinnamon bun from my favorite bakery. I got a vanilla scone from Starbucks because (and I quote), “I thought you’d like it better.” No, Caveman. You like it better.
And don’t even think about gifting me golf clubs again. Unless you plan to replace them with diamond earrings tucked inside a box of cinnamon buns.
Celebrate Every Mom. Yes, Even Her.
Don’t stop at your own mom. That includes mother-in-laws. Yes, even if she insists her brisket is better than yours.
No mom in your life? Then pick a mom you admire and celebrate her. The bar is low – she’s probably never had a meal brought to her in bed that didn’t include someone under age five climbing on her face.
Mother's Day Needs a Soundtrack
Christmas gets carols, movies, and Mariah. We get one brunch playlist. Unacceptable.
I nominate Beyoncé to write the Mother’s Day anthem. Or Adele. Or a duet where one sings, and the other cries. I don’t care – just give us our anthem already.
The Official Mother's Day Manifesto
Here it is. Stick it on the fridge. Forward it to your group chat. Email it to your husband with the subject line: DO NOT IGNORE.
Mother’s Day is not a brunch. It’s a lifestyle.
We don’t want what you think we want. We want what we told you we wanted.
No more gifts that are really for you (golf clubs, rolling pins, snoring devices).
We are the reason you’re here. You’re welcome.
And for any man thinking, “she’s my wife not my mom…” She’s the mother of your children; brunch alone isn’t gonna cut it.
P.S. If I even smell another electroshock device this year, I’m sending myself to a spa and invoicing the entire family. With interest.
P.P.S. And I still want the cinnamon bun. From my bakery.
P.P.P.S Let’s make it happen…. old-school style: consider this an official chain letter. Don’t break the chain… “Send this email to 5 friends or else something bad will happen”….JK….but I’m actually serious. Please do it now..are you doing it? Did you hit forward? See I can’t help sounding like a mom!
