My Son Just Got Engaged — What Does a Mother of the Groom Do Now?
It happened—again. My second son just got engaged!
On a cliff in Monterey, no less. The Pacific was crashing below, the champagne was chilled, and somewhere, I’m sure, a drone hovered for good measure. When I saw the photos, I thought, “Ah yes, this is why Instagram was invented.”
What no one saw, of course, was me sitting on a secret for nearly a year. I’d helped design the ring—using heirloom stones from his grandmother—and had to pretend I knew nothing. Do you know how hard it is for me not to spill something like that? Brutal. But when I saw that ring on her finger, it was worth every dodged question and every “So, anything new in the family?”
Now, as a repeat performer in the mother of the groom role (our first son got engaged in Austria last year), I’ve officially entered the advanced level of modern wedding etiquette. Between the ghosts of the 1980s rulebook and the wild freedom of today’s “anything goes,” I’ve realized that much has changed—except maybe how much I love being part of it all.
The First Engagement: A Grandmother, a Ring, and a Miracle of Silence
Our first son got engaged while living in Austria. I learned about it after the fact—right around the time my mother casually announced, “Oh yes, that’s my ring she’s wearing.”
Hold on—your ring?
It turned out my son had gone to his grandmother months earlier and asked for a family heirloom. She not only agreed but also managed to keep it a secret until the engagement. This, I assure you, was a miracle on par with walking on water. My mother is not famous for her discretion. If there’s a secret in the room, she’s usually sitting on it like it’s a whoopee cushion. But somehow, she pulled it off.
And while I may have thought that ring was destined to be mine one day, seeing it sparkling on my future daughter-in-law’s hand made me realize how right it felt. That’s the funny thing about weddings—they have a way of shifting what feels “mine” into “ours.”
It turned out my son had gone to his grandmother months earlier and asked for a family heirloom. She not only agreed but also managed to keep it a secret until the engagement. This, I assure you, was a miracle on par with walking on water. My mother is not famous for her discretion. If there’s a secret in the room, she’s usually sitting on it like it’s a whoopee cushion. But somehow, she pulled it off.
And while I may have thought that ring was destined to be mine one day, seeing it sparkling on my future daughter-in-law’s hand made me realize how right it felt. That’s the funny thing about weddings—they have a way of shifting what feels “mine” into “ours.”
Now What Does a Mother of the Groom Actually Do?
When I got engaged back in 1990, wedding etiquette came with a manual (and in my case, a Vera Wang dress). The mother of the groom’s job was fairly simple: host the rehearsal dinner, wear something elegant but not white, and stay out of the way.
Today? The modern mother of the groom is part diplomat, part event coordinator, part emotional support hotline. We’re expected to be gracious, available, and camera-ready—often all at once.
So, in an effort to help all of us mothers of the groom keep our sanity, I went back to the old-school rules and compared them to what I’m seeing today. Some advice has aged beautifully. Some… not so much.
Today? The modern mother of the groom is part diplomat, part event coordinator, part emotional support hotline. We’re expected to be gracious, available, and camera-ready—often all at once.
So, in an effort to help all of us mothers of the groom keep our sanity, I went back to the old-school rules and compared them to what I’m seeing today. Some advice has aged beautifully. Some… not so much.
“When I got engaged back in 1990, wedding etiquette came with a manual (and in my case, a Vera Wang dress). The mother of the groom’s job was fairly simple: host the rehearsal dinner, wear something elegant but not white, and stay out of the way. "
Then vs. Now: The Engagement Edition
What I’ve Learned (So Far)
Being the mother of the groom is a bit like being cast in a supporting role in a play where you love every member of the cast but aren’t totally sure what scene you’re in. There’s joy, pride, and the occasional need to remind yourself: this is their story, not yours.
But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that even as traditions change, the meaning doesn’t. Love is still love, family is still family, and a good sense of humor is still your best accessory.
So, whether your son proposes on a mountain, a cliff, or a live stream—just breathe, smile, and remember: your part in this story is to keep it joyful, not perfect. Wrapped in Suvin, you’ll understand why we call it White Gold.
But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that even as traditions change, the meaning doesn’t. Love is still love, family is still family, and a good sense of humor is still your best accessory.
So, whether your son proposes on a mountain, a cliff, or a live stream—just breathe, smile, and remember: your part in this story is to keep it joyful, not perfect. Wrapped in Suvin, you’ll understand why we call it White Gold.
PS: If anyone needs a masterclass in keeping family secrets, call my mother. Just… not about anything else.
DM me on Instagram (@heidicareydesign), and I’ll reply!
Big Hugs,
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